Funny Boy Makes Dad Laugh Saying I Didnt Poop I Pees

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants

At age 12, success means having friends

At age 17, success means having a driver's licence

At age 25, success means having sex

At age 35, success means having money

At age 45, success means having money

At age 55, success means having sex

At age 65, success means having a driver's licence

At age 75, success means having friends

At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.

Peeing in the Flowers...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Kissing is like peeing your pants

Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

A young girl walks in on her dad peeing...

The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."

Peeing !

A drunken man was casually peeing into a drinking fountain in the park.
A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What do you think you're doing. There's a public toilet fifty meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back.
"What do you think I have, a hose?

Little Jimmy at the Pool

Jennifer the lifeguard tells Jimmy to stop peeing in the pool. Little 6 year old Jimmy replies that everbody pees in the pool. Jennifer says that yes people do, but not from the diving board...

A lifeguard blows his whistle at a little boy and asks him to come over...

He says to the boy, "Hey, you're not allowed to pee in the pool."

"That's not fair!" says the boy, "There must be dozens of people peeing in the pool every day! Why do you gotta pick on me?"

The lifeguard says, "Well most people don't do it off the diving board."

I got caught peeing in the pool the other day

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud that I almost fell in.

So I was peeing in the pool yesterday.

The lifeguard hollered so loud, I almost fell in!

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing?

Because the p is silent. Yes. My 9 year old cracked me up with that just now.

You can explore peeing pooing reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean peeing piss dad jokes. There are also peeing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Sometimes peeing feels better than sex.

It lasts longer too.

Love is like peeing yourself....

– everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

The lifeguard yelled at me for peeing in the pool.

I was so startled, I almost fell in.

Having a good friend is just like peeing your pants.

Everybody can see it but only you feel that warm sensation of happiness.

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.

They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.

12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats strange." Says the mom.

A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"

"Thats really strange" says the mom.

A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."

"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"

When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing

How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists

As a guy I hate peeing in the morning.

It's too hard.

Johnny walks out of the bathroom without washing his hands

A man named Leonard approaches him and says, "I went to Harvard and they taught us to wash our hands after peeing."
Johnny looks at him and says, "I went to the University of Georgia and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

I was trying to be a gentleman

And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?

A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady...

I couldn't believe the ungrateful wench kept shouting at me, I'm peeing in here!

Friendship...

Is like peeing your pants. Everyone around you can see it but only you can feel the warmth it brings.

Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.

People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.

Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down.

But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"

The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"

I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool

Scared me so much I almost fell in.

Why women make louder peeing sound than men?

Because men got a six inch suppressor.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!

I replied Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!

Yes, but not from the high dive!

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

I got caught peeing in a pool once

The Lifeguard yelled so hard I almost fell in

My wife told me I had to stop peeing in the shower.

Or at the very least, wait until she's not in it anymore.

The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 years old-Having a lot of friends

75 years old-Not peeing in your pants at night

What did the policeman say to the man when he caught him peeing in public?

Urine trouble!

Got caught peeing in the pool

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I'm having the same problem when I'm playing FPS and when I'm peeing

I shot before I aim.

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Some lifeguard kicked me out of the pool for peeing in it. I told him everyone does it.

He told me not off the diving board

Two Jewish men are standing in the bathroom and peeing in adjacent urinals

the one to the right finishes doing his business, turns around, and says to his neighbor, Tell me, did Mohel Rabinovich do your bris [i.e. circumcision]? Yes, the other guy responds, how did you know?!!! Well, Rabinovich is a little cross-eyed and you are peeing on my shoes!

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"

The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."

I can't resist peeing on women.

It's my R. Kelly's heel.

me at the docters

so I was at the docters and the docter said you have a peeing disorder and that urine for a treat

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

I asked a girl I caught peeing on a grape...

"Would you like to go on a date?"

Peeing in the Shower

My wife screamed at me peeing in the shower. I told her that everyone pees in the shower. She responded, "Yeah, but I'm trying to take a bubble bath."

(German Joke) Two American girl tourists are in Germany walking through a public park.

Both of the girls notice a Man peeing and scream Gross!
The German man responds, Groß? Danke!

Translation - Big? Thanks!

I see, says the blind man peeing into the wind,

it's all coming back to me now.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants....

I haven't experienced it since I was eight.

Why am I being banned from the pool?!

Because you're peeing in it.
But everyone pees in the pool!
Yes, but not from the diving board.

"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"

"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"

​

***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

Having puppies

**Three dogs are at the vet's. Talking dog talk.**

Rover, "Why are you guys here?"

Sparky, "I been peeing all over the house. I'm going to get my nuts cut off." Ruff.

Barky, "I growl at everything. I'm going to get my nuts cut off. Ruff.

How about you Rover?"

Rover, "Well, my mistress was getting out of the shower yesterday, I love her *sooo* much. *Ah-Rooo*. Seeing her naked, bent over drying her foot, well, I jumped on. "

The other two - "So you're getting you nuts cut off too?"

Rover, "Hell no! I'm getting my nails trimmed."

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the pool." Mr. Green stated plainly.

The lifeguard shouts "from the high dive Mr. Green?!?"

Mr Munger

Mr. Munger is lying poolside at the country club when the club manager approached him. "Mr. Munger, some of the other members have been complaining about you peeing in the pool," said the manager. "Oh c'mon," said Munger. "Why are you you singling me out? I'll bet everyone here pees in the pool!" The manager replied angrily, "NOT FROM THE HIGH DIVE, MR. MUNGER!"

Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I think your mom is stupid for that matter."

"How come, Johnny?"

"My mum never taught me to pee on my hands!"

Which legendary soul singer had trouble peeing?

Urethra Franklin

I saw 3 men standing at the urinals.

The first man, a Jewish guy, was peeing 4 streams.
"What happened to you?" I asked.

He explained "Accident at my circumcision. The rabbi had Parkinson's."

The next man, a big tough trucker, was peeing 6 streams.
"And what is your problem?" I asked.

He grunted "I had a fight with a rottweiler..."

The third man, an elderly, absent-minded looking guy, was peeing 30 streams.
"Oh my gosh, what the hell happened to you?!?" I gasped.

He looked down, then sighed.
"Oh dear, I forgot to pull down my zipper again."

Dogs and toilet

I yelled my dog to stop drinking out of the toilet.

Later that day my dog yelled at me for peeing in the water bowl

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer...

But the extra time is spent peeing.

A German man went to New York City

He started peeing on the street

A lady walked pass him and said: "Gross"

He replied: "Danke"

I've discovered that alcohol contains female hormones

After drinking you can't drive, you never stop talking and have to sit while peeing.

I'm glad to report that I realized my dream

last night I dreamt that I was peeing and when I woke up I found out that indeed I was peeing

What did the cop say to the man peeing in public?

Urine trouble!

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

What happens when you claim an island by peeing on it?

Urination

What do you say when you catch somebody peeing where they're not supposed to?

Urine trouble!

What happens if you get caught peeing in public?

Urine trouble

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